There’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, inspired by conversations unfolding in our membership private whatsapp group.

What happens to the fire in a relationship as we become more and more deeply intertwined with another person?

In the beginning, there can be so much natural eros. There’s mystery and anticipation and curiosity. We are discovering the other person and we’re also discovering new parts of ourselves through our connection with them. There can be this beautiful feeling of being pulled toward one another. And then, over time, we build a life together.

We learn each other’s patterns. We become family. We may have children. Our bodies change. Our work changes. Our friendships and families change. We move through stress and grief and growth and all of the ordinary and extraordinary experiences that come with being alive.

And somewhere along the way, sometimes without even realizing it, we can begin to organize our relationship around safety.

We learn what makes our partner comfortable. We learn what might upset them. We try to protect them. We try to protect ourselves. We accommodate. We avoid certain things. We become careful.

And safety is beautiful. I deeply value safety in relationships.

But I also think there is a particular kind of safety that can slowly become a hiding place.

We can become so focused on protecting the relationship that we stop fully inhabiting ourselves inside of it. We stop expressing certain desires. We stop showing certain parts of ourselves. We become afraid of what our partner might think, feel, want, or not want. And little by little, the natural flow of energy between two people can become more and more constricted.

So when someone comes to me and asks, “How do we get the spark back?”, I find myself wanting to ask a different question.

What happened to the natural flow of energy between you?

What changed?

What became difficult?

What parts of yourself have you stopped expressing?

What ruptures have happened that perhaps haven't been fully repaired?

Where have you learned to protect yourself or your partner?

And what might become possible if you began to create more space for both safety and aliveness?

Safety and fire don't have to be opposites

This is the heart of the new series I've created inside the Being Love membership.

I wanted to explore the relationship between safety and eros in a way that goes deeper than the usual conversation about “keeping the spark alive.”

Because I don't think long-term relationships are necessarily meant to maintain the exact same kind of fire they had at the beginning. We're different people now. Our relationship is different. Our lives are different. Like everything in life, we are meant to grow and shift and change. 

So the invitation isn't to recreate something that existed before, but to discover what kind of aliveness is available now.

In the first video, we explore where true safety comes from, where erotic energy comes from, and how these two things can actually support one another.

Erotic energy isn't something that only exists between two people.

It is a life force within us.

And when we become more connected to ourselves—our desires, our bodies, our truth, our expression—we may also have more energy available to bring into our relationships.

I've created practices alongside this work to help you slow down and actually feel into these questions rather than simply thinking about them.

Where is my natural flow of energy?

Where am I expressing myself?

Where am I stifling myself?

Where do I feel deeply connected to my partner?

And what would I love to feel within myself and within my partnership?

What happens when desire feels unsafe?

Another piece of this work is learning to stay connected to ourselves when our desires don't perfectly match our partner's. Because this is where so much can happen. Your partner wants something you don't want. Or you want something they don't want. And suddenly, something that could simply be information such as “This is what I desire” can feel loaded with more meaning. 

What does this mean about me?

What if they are disappointed?

What if they leave?

Do I need to accommodate them?

Am I allowed to say no?

What happens if they say no to me?

Our nervous systems can move very quickly into protection. Thus, part of the work I've been exploring is what it means to stay with ourselves in these moments. To feel what is happening in our bodies. To notice the stories that arise. And to practice becoming the person who says to ourselves: I am here. I am safe. I am not abandoning myself. 

There is so much healing available in learning that we can remain fully present with ourselves even when something uncomfortable is moving through us.

Sometimes the fire didn't disappear - something happened that shifted it.

The second part of this series explores what happens when desire has actually shifted within a relationship. There are so many reasons this can happen. To name a few:

Having children. Changes in our bodies. Health changes. Work. Family dynamics. New relationships. Changes in community. Moving through difficult experiences together. Ruptures between partners. Simply becoming different people over time.

Sometimes we look at the absence of desire and immediately want to solve it. We feel fear and wonder "How do I get it back?" 

I have found that there can be something much more illuminating in shifting the curiosity to "What has shifted?"

What happened that changed the way I experience my partner?

What happened that changed the way they experience me?

What needs to be understood?

What needs to be felt?

What needs to be repaired?

What needs to be released?

This kind of exploration can be much more tender than trying to force ourselves back into desire.

And sometimes, when we create enough space for honesty and healing, something begins to move again naturally.

When desire begins to rise again

That brings me to the third piece of the series, which explores what happens when the fire begins to re-emerge.

Because even this can be an interesting moment in a relationship.

What do we do with desire when it returns?

How do we express it without making it into a demand?

How do we let ourselves want someone without needing them to respond in a particular way?

And how do we allow our partner to want us without feeling like we have to respond in a particular way?

I've been exploring this idea of invitation without expectation. There is something incredibly beautiful to me about being able to say, I want you, without that desire carrying a requirement. I can invite, express, pursue connection, and I can also leave room for the other person to be completely free. That kind of freedom can actually create a very type of intimacy and eros you are likely craving. And it comes rooted in deep self-safety. 

This is what I want Being Love to be

This is the kind of work I'm loving creating inside of the Being Love membership. Not simply a library of videos to consume, but a place where we can actually practice being in relationship differently. A place to slow down, to become curious, to feel, to explore where and how we protect ourselves and potentially block ourselves (out of fear) from what we most desire, a place to understand our desires deeply, to repair, and to re-discover ourselves and our loved ones. 

And so much of what I create inside the membership begins with you. A member asks a question or someone in the group shares something they're moving through. A theme emerges. And I take that question and go deeper with it. That's exactly how this series came to be.

If this is something you've been wanting to explore in your own relationship, I'd love to have you inside. And right now, I'm making it especially easy to come in.

Join Being Love for $19.99/month

For a limited time, if you join the $19.99/month Being Love membership, I'm also giving you access to our private Being Love WhatsApp group (valued at $39.99/month).

The WhatsApp group is where we can connect more personally, share what's coming up for us, ask questions, and feel into the community alongside the deeper content inside the membership.

So you get the growing library of courses, videos, and practices plus the private community.

If you've been curious about Being Love, this is a beautiful time to step inside.

Join Being Love →

I don't think your relationship has to be “fixed” in order for there to be more intimacy. I think there is always more of ourselves available to discover. More truth. More freedom. More aliveness. More love.