One of the parenting questions people ask me most often is about screen time. Does Ilya watch shows or movies? How often? Do you use them while you travel? What are your beliefs around screens for kids in general?

I’m eager to share about this and more and lately, something even more compelling has been coming up in my life, which I want to share about first. That is MY own screen time.

Kids are absorbing and mimicking what we do- that is their nature and their role in life at this phase - it is how they learn and how they practice being. That is why I believe that the best thing we can do for our kids is to become the beings we want them to be. 

I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’ve noticed how Ilya will sometimes ask to watch a show if he feels me connected with my phone instead of him or the world around us. I started thinking about being a kid, not having a phone, and noticing the people around you engaged with theirs. Of course I would want to be doing what they are! That seems so natural. I don't want to leave Ilya out of what I'm doing; I want to model for him what I want him (and me too) to be doing.

While I’ve never spent much time on my phone around Ilya - mostly taking pictures or videos when it feels inspired - I decided to aim to dramatically cut down my phone time. And the results have been noticeably impactful, for him and for me.

Yesterday he requested for the second day in a row that we have a “no phone” day - something I offered to him for the first time a few weeks ago - and I felt excited when he said that! He didn’t ask for a screen, he asked for no screens. How telling is that?

Kids aren’t wanting screens. They are wanting connection. They want to feel chosen. They want to feel like they are mimicking properly. They want to feel emotion, excitement, animated about life. They don’t need to get that from a screen - they want to FEEL us and the beings and environment around them providing it for them to tune into.

I’ve been so excited about this that I’ve been challenging myself to use my phone very minimally, especially around Ilya, unless it feels super beneficial for us both. In reducing my phone time, I can create space to batch phone tasks at a different time in the day, after he goes to bed, or when he is with connected with someone else. If I need to do something on my phone, I can let him know that I am taking a minute, for example to update Amma on where we are, and then return to presence.

It is wild the difference that our I sense from him, and from me too, when the phone is not a big part of my day, or his. Sometimes we are doing an activity together, and sometimes we are doing our own things next to one another, but the feeling that we are both in this reality existing physically around us is palpable.

I feel more present, grounded, creative and calm. I am funnier and have more inspired ideas. I notice interesting things in nature around us that I can investigate and connect with Ilya about. I also am more available to tune into Ilya. I listen with more care to what he says, I appreciate his self talk and creative play scenes he creates, I witness his body language and demeanor, and I find myself easily aligning with love and appreciation. I also notice when he or I is feeling ready to transition to something new and am overall more attuned to our needs and desires. 

So back to the question of screens and Ilya and guidelines I tend to have around that. Yes, sometimes we watch something together or sometimes Ilya watches something on his own. As I write this now it has been over a week since he has watched something or asked about it. When Ilya does ask about watching something, I like to gauge why he may be craving that.

Some questions I ask myself:

Is he tired?
Hungry?
Bored?
Have we moved our bodies enough today?
Have I or other people around him been on our phone much?
Is he wanting to watch something together that he really loves to bring me more into his world and what he is excited about?
Has he felt overwhelmed lately and is he needing some relaxation and nourishment?
Does this feel like a life-giving time to watch a show or could there be something even more nourishing for him?

And for the record, I DO think that watching a show can be life-giving. Tumble Leaf has inspired countless playful reenacted adventures, fun phrases, and clay creations of our own. We sang and danced to Moana songs for about a week straight after seeing it, feeling so pumped up and empowered by the vibe it left us with. And My Octopus Teacher is hands down one of my favorite movies, in great part because I got to experience it beside Ilya as we were totally captivated together by the wonder of this creature we both love so much.

I love that shows and movies have a place in our home and sometimes in our van on particularly long drives. And I love that their place is minimal, and appreciated for what it is.

Because the truth is, most shows and movies have weird stuff in them. And it is so important to me to surround Ilya with great models of communication and ways of being. It’s also important to me that Ilya spends the majority of his time present to the world around him, his thoughts and feelings inside of him, and able to be here without needing further entertainment, distraction, or a short-term hormone boost that will most likely be followed by a crash.

Screen time feels like a tool. It can be a space to relax and do something special together as a family, a space to gain inspiration, and on occasion a way to make the last hour of a car or plane ride more enjoyable. Screens aren’t going anywhere and it feels good to embrace them, but on our own terms.

I’d love to hear what you and your family choose when it comes to screen time and how it helps your family live life on YOUR terms. 

Loving and grateful for you all,
Brittany